Screwed Up Kids Names

Screwed Up Kids Names

At the beginning of every school year, and when she acquires new students during the year, my wife comes home with lists of really bizarre names that parents inflicted on their kids at birth; names that will plague them for the rest of their lives. When we had our children we both agreed that ours would have normal, traditional names. We chose Joseph Shepherd, Michael James, Rose Marie and Matthew Christian. I have a little bit of history with screwed up names.

I’m Polish. When I was born my parents named me Jan (pronounced Yan), the Polish version of John. For our middle names my parents chose to name all the children in the family after the blessed mother. We’re Catholic. So my middle name was Maria. We were told by them that it was a common practice in Eastern Europe.  We informed them that WE DON’T LIVE IN EASTERN EUROPE! Thanks a lot!

From the very first day of first grade, when a bone headed nun read my name aloud to the entire classroom of kids as any American would pronounce it, I was harassed. I got teased, there were a couple of fights, I felt like the main character in the Johnny Cash song, “A Boy Named Sue.”  I can still hear the taunting of snotty kids in my class…”Jan Maria…Jan Maria…Jan Maria”.

Eventually it died down. For the majority of my life I went by my American first name of John and the subject of my middle name was never brought up if I could help it. Then came the wonderful, glorious day I enlisted in the military.

I went in, they checked over my paperwork and when they got to my birth certificate the two recruiters stopped cold,  looked at each other, then looked at me.

“Is this right?”, said one in a thick Southern accent.

Looking up at the ceiling I let out a deep sigh and said, “Yup.”

There was a long pause as both of them smirked to each other and shook their heads.

“Son,” said the other in an equally thick Southern accent. “This is your lucky day. We are about to do you the biggest favor.”

I perked up, listening intently to what they had to say.

“It is a little known fact that when you sign up for the military you can legally change your name and it won’t cost you a dime!”

“That’s right,” said the other. “However we fill out your paperwork is going to be your legal name and I would suggest you do it because, SHIT, you do NOT want to go into boot camp with a name like THAT. If any Drill Sergeant finds out your name…and THEY WILL…your life is gonna be a living Hell!”

I smiled a very broad smile, thought for less than a millisecond and my life changed forever.

The following is a list of names I dug up that celebrities gave to their kids. God help them.

Tu Morrow
(Rob Morrow)

Zuma Nesta Rock
(Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale)

Moxie CrimeFighter
(Penn Jillette)

Pilot Inspektor
(Jason Lee)

Kal-El
(Nicolas Cage)

Bogart Che Peyote
(Reality star David “Puck” Rainey)

Fifi Trixibell, Peaches and Pixie
(Bob Geldof and Paula Yates)

Audio Science
(Shannyn Sossamon)

Princess Tiaamii
(Katie “Jordan” Price)

Prince Michael II / “Blanket”
(Michael Jackson)

Apple
(Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow)

Calico
(Alice Cooper)

Denim and Diezel Ky
(Toni Braxton)

Seargeoh and Sage Moonblood
(Sylvester Stallone)

Jermajesty
(Jermaine Jackson)

Hud and Spec Wildhorse
(John Cougar Mellencamp and Elaine Irwin)

Pirate
(Korn frontman Jonathan Davis and porn-star wife Deven)

Rebel, Racer and Rogue
(Robert Rodriguez)

Seven Sirius
(Andre Benjamin and Erykah Badu)

Harley Quinn
(Kevin Smith)

Camera
(Arthur Ashe)

Blue Angel
(U2′s The Edge).

Free
(Barbara Hershey and David Carradine)

Kyd
(David Duchovny and Tea Leoni)

Reignbeau
(Ving Rhames)

Alcamy
(Lance Henriksen)