Spend your children’s inheritance on one massive party and don’t invite them. That’ll really piss them off.

Remember that everyone who got where they are had to begin where they were.

The pen is mightier than the sword…if it’s a really big pen. And it would help if it had a really sharp edge.

You’ve never been more you than you are right now.

If you’re clairvoyant, remember to put that down on your resume. That’s an important job skill.

Why is it that day old coffee, when re-heated, always tastes like it’s been filtered through cigarettes?

2000 B.C. – Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. – That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. – That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. – That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. – That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. – That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.