The Mommy Daddy

This is a reprint of an article I wrote for “The Tsunami Mommy blog” a few weeks ago for Father’s Day

Becoming a Father

I don’t really remember that much about how I felt when I first became a father. To be honest, the first four months were a total blur, I was so sleep deprived. My wife and I had triplets.

Let me back up a bit.

When we found out we were having triplets, after we overcame the initial shock, my wife was put on a diet of 4000 calories a day. Yep, you heard right, 4000 calories! She was eating for four. Suddenly this one time Vegan became a ravenous carnivore that demanded double cheese burgers, fries and chocolate milkshakes. I wish I had stock in her favorite hamburger chain. Their sales must’ve gone through the roof.

And then the “Tittie Fairy” came.

My wife went from a really nice “C” cup to double “F’s”.  All that crap I heard about “Crazy Pregnancy Sex” wasn’t true. She kept saying, “Don’t even think about touching them, THEY HURT!” And then, since she was a high risk pregnancy, our doctor put a ban on sex for the entire duration.

Over the entire period she gained 75 pounds and it was all in front. From behind she didn’t even look pregnant. When she finally delivered, after 36 weeks, she immediately lost 45 pounds in the delivery!

From the moment she went into the hospital to deliver, I’ve been traveling at warp speed through life. My kids were in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit for a while before they came home. That was a lot of driving back and forth to the hospital carrying breast milk to give to the nurses, scrubbing up and wearing face masks while there to sit with the babies so that they would bond with me.

One thing that really shocked me was how many of the parents of these Neonatal kids didn’t show up to see their kids! It was a regular conversation between myself and the nurses. My wife and I busted our butts to get in there every possible moment we could. The hospital had professional snugglers come in to hold the babies so that they would get human contact.

When the triplets finally came home, I do remember things like the round the clock feedings every two hours. We went through at least 36 bottles of formula and breast milk a day, and 48 diaper changes. Thank God we had help from relatives and friends, but they could go home after a while.

There is no way anyone could have possibly prepared us for what it was going to like those first six months.  When they finally slept through the night for the first time, my joy was so great I think I actually cried. Even though sleeping through the night actually meant about five straight hours of sleep-hey, I was happy to get that!

Since then things have become a lot better.  We’ve also added another one, my boy Matthew. Things are pretty crazy around here but it’s our state of normal. Would I do it all again?

You bet.

They’re Trying To Kill Me

Last night I was working late, it was about midnight, sitting at the computer typing away, in deep concentration, totally lost in what I was doing when…AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! My son scared the  S#@T out of me by suddenly appearing in the glass of the window that I sit next to. It was his reflection standing in the doorway to my office clutching his teddy bear.  HE had the bad dream but it was a couple of YEARS of My life that were lost. Screw cigarette smoking, I’ve shortened my life span a lot more by having kids. 

The gray hairs on my head and in my beard didn’t start until after I had my kids. If any of you doubt my rapid aging just take a look at my most recent picture posted on the “ABOUT ME” page of this blog. I’m getting old fast.

Scaring the crap out of me isn’t the only way they do it. How about all of the times I’ve been awakened early in the morning just because they wanted me to get up. Anyone who is a parent has probably experienced the pealing back of eyelids by a child. Little fingers stretching eyes open and hearing the following question.

“Daddy? Daddy are you awake?”

“I am now.”

Then there are the times when I catch my children doing something that could seriously hurt or even kill them or somebody else.

One morning my kids were acting particularly crazy. My wife was still trying to sleep, it was her turn to sleep in, and I suddenly smelled smoke. My son Joseph wanted more sunlight in his bedroom so he pulled his curtains open and made them stay that way by stuffing the bunched up ends into a lamp shade that was on a small table by his bed. The light was on, the curtains were cheap, Disney character, Chinese made, and synthetic with “spontaneous combustion” written all over them. I got in there just before the smoke alarms went off. Add about a thousand more gray hairs.

 I can keep going on this, but you get the idea.

Friedrich Nietzsche, the philosopher who said “God is dead,” also said, “That which does not kill us makes us stronger”.  He obviously never had children.

Screwed Up Kids Names

At the beginning of every school year, and when she acquires new students during the year, my wife comes home with lists of really bizarre names that parents inflicted on their kids at birth; names that will plague them for the rest of their lives. When we had our children we both agreed that ours would have normal, traditional names. We chose Joseph Shepherd, Michael James, Rose Marie and Matthew Christian. I have a little bit of history with screwed up names.

I’m Polish. When I was born my parents named me Jan (pronounced Yan), the Polish version of John. For our middle names my parents chose to name all the children in the family after the blessed mother. We’re Catholic. So my middle name was Maria. We were told by them that it was a common practice in Eastern Europe.  We informed them that WE DON’T LIVE IN EASTERN EUROPE! Thanks a lot!

From the very first day of first grade, when a bone headed nun read my name aloud to the entire classroom of kids as any American would pronounce it, I was harassed. I got teased, there were a couple of fights, I felt like the main character in the Johnny Cash song, “A Boy Named Sue.”  I can still hear the taunting of snotty kids in my class…”Jan Maria…Jan Maria…Jan Maria”.

Eventually it died down. For the majority of my life I went by my American first name of John and the subject of my middle name was never brought up if I could help it. Then came the wonderful, glorious day I enlisted in the military.

I went in, they checked over my paperwork and when they got to my birth certificate the two recruiters stopped cold,  looked at each other, then looked at me.

“Is this right?”, said one in a thick Southern accent.

Looking up at the ceiling I let out a deep sigh and said, “Yup.”

There was a long pause as both of them smirked to each other and shook their heads.

“Son,” said the other in an equally thick Southern accent. “This is your lucky day. We are about to do you the biggest favor.”

I perked up, listening intently to what they had to say.

“It is a little known fact that when you sign up for the military you can legally change your name and it won’t cost you a dime!”

“That’s right,” said the other. “However we fill out your paperwork is going to be your legal name and I would suggest you do it because, SHIT, you do NOT want to go into boot camp with a name like THAT. If any Drill Sergeant finds out your name…and THEY WILL…your life is gonna be a living Hell!”

I smiled a very broad smile, thought for less than a millisecond and my life changed forever.

The following is a list of names I dug up that celebrities gave to their kids. God help them.

Tu Morrow
(Rob Morrow)

Zuma Nesta Rock
(Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale)

Moxie CrimeFighter
(Penn Jillette)

Pilot Inspektor
(Jason Lee)

Kal-El
(Nicolas Cage)

Bogart Che Peyote
(Reality star David “Puck” Rainey)

Fifi Trixibell, Peaches and Pixie
(Bob Geldof and Paula Yates)

Audio Science
(Shannyn Sossamon)

Princess Tiaamii
(Katie “Jordan” Price)

Prince Michael II / “Blanket”
(Michael Jackson)

Apple
(Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow)

Calico
(Alice Cooper)

Denim and Diezel Ky
(Toni Braxton)

Seargeoh and Sage Moonblood
(Sylvester Stallone)

Jermajesty
(Jermaine Jackson)

Hud and Spec Wildhorse
(John Cougar Mellencamp and Elaine Irwin)

Pirate
(Korn frontman Jonathan Davis and porn-star wife Deven)

Rebel, Racer and Rogue
(Robert Rodriguez)

Seven Sirius
(Andre Benjamin and Erykah Badu)

Harley Quinn
(Kevin Smith)

Camera
(Arthur Ashe)

Blue Angel
(U2′s The Edge).

Free
(Barbara Hershey and David Carradine)

Kyd
(David Duchovny and Tea Leoni)

Reignbeau
(Ving Rhames)

Alcamy
(Lance Henriksen)

It’s That Time Of Year Again

It’s that time of year again. That one day when everyone officially stops and pats us on the back and lets us know how great we are for being fathers. JUST ONE MEASLY DAY? How about we approach this like something out of “Alice In Wonderland”. We can celebrate Father’s Day once a year, but we can also celebrate Unfather’s Day 364 days a year! Although that doesn’t sound quite right, I think my point is coming through. I want more than one day a year that celebrates my fatherdom.

I’m Still Here

I know! I know! I haven’t blogged in a while. The reason is that my computer programming biz is getting some decent work coming in and I’ve been VERY busy with it, my schoolwork AND the family. Summer is already here, the kids are getting out of school and my wife will be off too. With my wife home you would think that would mean more free time. Oh how innocent and naive your thinking is.

My “busy” is gonna be kicking into high gear. When you are married, “your time” becomes “our time” which really means it’s “her time”. My wife has tons of projects and field trips planned. Just the kid stuff alone could fill a calendar. They just finished up with T-Ball and are now moving into dance class, swimming and a million play dates!

This year is already going past at a blinding speed, this summer is about to kick into warp speed. I’ll blink and then it’ll be gone. I’m already teasing my wife that when the 4th of July hits she’ll be starting her Christmas shopping. It would be funny if it wasn’t true. BUT IT IS! When I tell her she gives me a thump in the arm and tells me to shut up.

But I do it anyway cuz that’s the kinda guy I am.

Sugar Monkey

I read something recently that made me think. It read, “If you could do something that you knew would significantly change your life for the better, why aren’t you doing it?”

Where do I begin? That statement sounds so “Dr. Phil” but I think it’s true. So I started to think about what I would do. It’s not like I have only one thing I could do to change my life. But I could start with one. So I picked my sugar monkey.

It’s now day three of my life without processed sugar and let me tell you…

OH MY GOD IT’S SO FREAKING HARD!!!

I can’t believe how hard it is to get sugar out of my life! It’s in everything and it’s everywhere! You’d think that something so innocent sounding would be a stroll in the park, but it’s not.

On top of it, I’m suffering withdrawals. Believe me I know what withdrawals are and what they feel like and these are withdrawals. After the first day I was experiencing flu like symptoms and feeling like shit! I think about my favorite candy all the time. It’s interfering with my daily routine! And what make it worse, IT’S EVERYWHERE!

Every corner I turn, someone has a bowl of M&Ms or something. My wife has sugary stuff all over the place. She doesn’t understand why I just can’t say no. IT’S EVERYWHERE! Every packaged food that you eat is loaded with it.

This is gonna be really tough.

I’m a wreck.